Everyone I know is currently watching the Netflix documentary series Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes, and while I admit to harboring an unhealthy interest in serial killers myself, a phenomenon I’ve always found bewildering is now confronting me on the daily: Bundy’s alleged hotness. I’ve heard about it my entire life:
“He was so handsome and charismatic!”
“He easily lured in victims with charm and good looks.”
“During his trial, he received love letters and sympathy from adoring fans who found him irresistible.”
And no matter how much my views on male beauty evolve and change, I’ve never, ever agreed with this assessment. The issue isn’t his status as a psychopathic felon. To me, Bundy resembles a discount Neil Diamond trying to sell you a used car. A creepy, thin-lipped white dude with bad skin and even worse fashion. Based on the footage I’ve seen, he was also a bumbling Republican doofus with poor speaking skills. Handsome? Charming? Are we looking at the same fucking guy?
Y’all need help.
Because I possess far more knowledge on the subject than the average person, I am uniquely qualified to provide that help. Here are the ten most famous male serial killers ranked according to fuckability.
10. Ted Bundy
I’m sorry, everyone. As previously discussed, he is just not attractive. Look at that slimy politician smile. Those obviously deranged eyes that are too close together. The slightly unkempt, thinning hair that manages to be both frizzy and oily at the same time. That fucking turtleneck. He trips my creep detector immediately. This is not a man I would consider accepting a ride from, no matter how many fake broken arms he had. If you find this baggy-eyed loser with premature age spots appealing, you need to ask yourself why. Is it because he became a violent sex offender in spite of growing up among normal people? Is it because he bludgeoned the popular, straight-haired Beckys you’ve hated since grade school to a bloody pulp? Is it because you’re secretly attracted to the conservative members of Congress? No judgment, but given that his own family members admitted they knew there was something wrong with him, it would probably benefit you to figure out why ol’ Ted makes you tingly, lest you fall into the clutches of a similarly deranged piss skillet. He is objectively repugnant. Move on.
Would I fuck him?
9. Charles Manson
Is this even up for debate? Just look at him. Charles may have been a musician (undeniably hot) and a cult leader (dubiously hot), but his swastika’d forehead, hillbilly beard, short stature, and eerie resemblance to the scrappy, brain-damaged Hell’s Angel that hangs out in my local biker bar means it’s a hard no from me. His songs weren’t even that good. It’s painful to include him on this list at all, because Manson’s most famous murders weren’t carried out by his own hands, and I think that’s cheating. He probably wouldn’t have been found culpable in the Tate/LaBianca slayings at all in today’s court system, since we now acknowledge women are perfectly capable of committing their own murders. But in the 60s, the “mastermind” was held accountable, so he’s been made an honorary serial killer and nobody disputes it. That’s fine, Charlie, but you’re still blisteringly unfuckable. You spent more of your life locked up than you did a free man, and your art was pedestrian. You’ve never deserved your celebrity status.
Not with Susan Atkins’ vagina.
8. David Berkowitz
In fact, he became a serial killer precisely because he was unfuckable. Known as Son of Sam at the time of the murders, Berkowitz just might be America’s first homicidal incel. By his own admission, he stalked the streets of NYC looking for pretty girls and couples to execute because he was angry at women for rejecting him. During his sentencing, he actually shouted “Stacy was a whore!” and made it clear he’d been on a mission to take out the Chads and Stacys he believed were hoarding the world’s happiness. As with all incels, we can only assume that his boiling hatred preceded the rejections, and was obvious enough to frighten away any woman who might have been taken in by his sweet smile and puppy dog eyes. He really isn’t a bad-looking guy. Based on physical features alone, I judge him to be more appealing than Bundy. He was also quite poetic in his letters to police (and one to columnist Jimmy Breslin), but misogyny is a massive turn-off. Besides, shooting your victims? Yawn. That’s unquestionably the most boring way to kill.
7. John Wayne Gacy
Ranking: Unfuckable (unless you’re into clowns)
Barring some really specific roleplay, John Wayne Gacy didn’t have much to offer you as a lover. He was exclusively attracted to underage boys, deeply repressed, violently angry, and very unimaginative with his handcuff usage. Manager of an Iowa KFC, this ruddy-faced, corpulent, mustachioed birthday clown reeked of fried chicken and poorly concealed decomposing bodies. He buried his victims under his crawlspace. In his own fucking house. Where he lived. Have you ever caught a whiff of a decaying human being? Trust me, that’s a scent that lingers. I’m detecting zero sex appeal from this pedo-walrus, and I suspect even individuals afflicted by coulrophilia would have hard a time getting wet for Pogo the Clown.
[Side Note: Know who else is highly unfuckable in this case? The absolutely inept police officers who repeatedly questioned Gacy - a convicted sex offender - about the disappearances of several boys employed at his construction company and concluded it was probably all a huge coincidence. As unappetizing as this bloated pustule of a serial killer was, my nether region is even more dried out by that travesty of an investigation. Wow.]
So. Much. No.
6. Dennis Rader
Ranking - Possibly Fuckable, depending on your kinks
While he does resemble a RadioShack manager who moonlights as a double for the bad guy in Robocop (I’m sorry, Kurtwood Smith, but it’s true), and that is objectively not-tantalizing, the BTK killer was nevertheless very into hardcore BDSM. If that’s your thing you might have had a good time with Rader. I mean, he would have strangled you to death, ejaculated on your corpse, and murdered your entire family, but isn’t sex better when the stakes are high? He knew how to tie you up. He knew how to asphyxiate you. He knew how to boss you around and menace you with a gun and knife. He’d set the mood by stalking you for weeks prior to the action. Sounds great! Except, unfortunately, he was also a particularly inept killer who made countless mistakes and got himself arrested in the most boneheaded of ways. Good try, Dennis, but you’re even less suave than Bundy. While you might do it for some, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole.
5. Ed Gein
Ranking - Possibly Fuckable, depending on your kinks
He may have looked like a dimwitted yet lovable train hobo blowing his harmonica across America’s heartland, but this homegrown mama’s boy was one sick little puppy. With only two confirmed kills to his name, the Butcher of Plainfield made up for his low body count by extensively desecrating the dead and taking home some truly hideous trophies. I’m talking necrophilia, followed by fashioning a belt out of human nipples, a coin purse out of a human vagina, and of course, numerous human skin lampshades and chair covers. Flaying was one of his favorite activities, and Buffalo Bill’s woman suit in Silence of the Lambs was directly inspired by Gein’s little arts and crafts projects. If extreme transvestism turns your crank, you really can’t find a better lover. By all accounts, he was celibate where the living were concerned, but I’ll bet he might’ve given you a little action if you lay on a slab and didn’t move too much.
Maybe after solving the Hellraiser puzzle box…
4. Richard Ramirez
Ranking: Fuckable, as long as he doesn’t smile
The Night Stalker. One of the only Satanic killers to grace a courtroom. Others have thrown around the idea of demon possession and allegiance to the occult (including the second person on this list) in an effort to escape capital punishment, but Ramirez was truly ride or die for the devil. Adding to his bad boy appeal were his sculpted cheekbones and the kind of tousled dark curls Benedict Cumberbatch only wishes he could grow. If you never saw what lurked behind those luscious lips, you might be tempted to think he was quite fuckable indeed. Regrettably, Satan’s minion wasn’t a fan of oral hygiene, so his smile was a broken fence of tooth decay. “So what?” you might think. “Plenty of sexy people have bad teeth.” And that’s true, but “bad teeth” isn’t synonymous with rotting teeth. I said rotting. Not crooked. Not slightly discolored from drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. Rotting. Have you ever smelled a rotten tooth? How about a whole set of ‘em? They also tend to be quite loose, so an aggressive makeout sesh with the Stalker might have left you choking on one of those moldering molars.
Probably, but I’d insist on a mouthful of Altoids beforehand.
3. Edmund Kemper
Intelligent, witty, helpful, sensitive, and tall are qualities most people can’t resist in a man, and The Coed Killer has them in spades. Except for the whole I-Hate-My-Mom-So-Bad-I-Literally-Want-To-Cut-Off-Her-Head-and-Fuck-It thing, Kemper would have been a catch by anyone’s estimation. With a whopping IQ of 145, he quickly learned how to do his psychiatrist’s job better than she could, and has lent his unique insight to countless investigations and interviews, including research for the TV show Mindhunter. He reads to the blind. He apologized to one of his victims for accidentally touching her breast. He described another victim as having fought “valiantly.” Has a man ever described you as valiant? Instant panty dropper. Combining eloquence and self-awareness with a powerful frame, sultry pout, and gorgeous brown eyes, there’s a lot to love about Big Ed. My palms are sweaty just from typing this. He was also quite precocious, committing his first murders at the tender age of 15. Who doesn’t adore a prodigy?
2. Jeffrey Dahmer
This guy was the epitome of 70s hot: strong, fit, good hair, great taste in eyewear, and willing to leave the house in shorty shorts. He also knew how to cook. He’d loosen you up with a Quaalude-laced rum and coke before laying you down on his dimly lit mustard-colored shag carpet and stripping your brain of the pesky executive function responsible for all the stress in your life. And sure, turning you into a sex zombie sounds bad, but he only wanted to do that so you’d never leave him. Jeff was romantic like that. After ravaging your limp body and dismembering you, he would then consume your flesh as a final act of intimacy and preserve your skull for an everlasting shrine to the pleasure you brought him. What an absolute heartthrob. Dahmer’s hotness has been low-key celebrated for years. There’s not one, but two excellent biopics that detail his life and times, and in both he’s played by a ridiculously good-looking actor who can barely contain the raging eroticism coursing through his murderous veins. Clearly, the Milwaukee Cannibal arose from purgatory to guide these performances himself. Feast your eyes on this Midwestern boy scout gone bad and succumb to your darkest desires.
1. H.H. Holmes
Ranking: Extremely Fuckable
And here we’ve finally achieved attractive serial killer bingo. This exceptional specimen was rich, clever, cultured, dapper, dastardly, industrious, well-spoken, and one hell of a ladies’ man. He’d seduce you with promises of fame and fortune, and then off you in the primmest, properist, most Victorian way possible. Poisoning. Suffocation. Acid baths. Booby-trapped secret vaults beneath the ground. He built a whole entire murder castle to carry out his fiendish whims, and did so while maintaining his image as a suave society man. Donning the finest mustache wax and expertly tailored waistcoats, H.H. Holmes was positively spellbinding. He roped victims into his schemes with little effort, bedded beautiful women even more easily, and wrested numerous fortunes from their rightful heirs with nothing more than fancy talk, fraudulent paperwork, and well-placed cadavers. Smooth doesn’t even begin to describe this handsome villain. He’s straight from an Arthur Conan Doyle story, and unquestionably the hottest serial killer on our list. Did I mention he was also a doctor? Whew! My mouth isn’t the only orifice that’s watering…
In my private fantasy world, I already have.