Read This on the Toilet

Public restrooms.

An unlikely battleground for political differences, yet such battles have been raging for years now. We’ve all heard the hateful, idiotic anti-trans rhetoric:

“Some dude in a dress wants to show my daughter his dick in the Wendy’s bathroom!”
“So now you can just say you’re a woman and gain access to places where real women pull their pants down? Think of all the assaults this will inevitably cause!”
“I know nearly all women’s restrooms have stalls for privacy, but I’m still convinced my daughter is going to see a dick at Wendy’s.”

I won’t go on, because undoubtedly your IQ has already dropped a few points simply by reading the preceding sentences. The point is, assholes want to keep trans women out of the ladies’ room. There are a few reasons for that, and none of them are good. To combat this, many establishments (including the retail giant most beloved by middle class American women: Target) increasingly offer unisex restrooms. No more gendered designations; everyone pisses and shits in the same dispassionate receptacle! It’s egalitarian! It’s fair! It’s the future!

It’s… a terrible solution to the problem, and I reject it utterly.

The logic behind unisex restrooms is easy enough to understand. You don’t have to worry about anyone being obnoxious about who “belongs” there. Put up a sign that says “all are welcome” and be done with it. The city I live in is home to more unisex restrooms than I’ve ever seen, and it pains me that society is so close to the solution yet tragically missing the mark. Despite the fact that gender is a construct and biology isn’t destiny, I am 100% in favor of separate lavatories for men and women, and isn’t about policing people’s identity or behavior. It’s about hygiene and safety.

I’m just going to say it: men are disgusting. They piss on everything, and those of us who don’t identify as men shouldn’t be forced to share a toilet with them. There’s always been this sort of low-key urban legend that women’s restrooms are actually more disgusting than the men’s, but that’s bullshit. I’ve been in the men’s room. It’s an indoor outhouse. Men always make a mess, never put the fucking seat down, often don’t even flush, and, I really can’t stress it enough, have no concept of not pissing on everything. Any public restroom that regularly hosts them suffers for it, and if that restroom is unisex, then all the rest of us are suffering too.

Do you really trust one of those weird disposable lobster bib toilet seat covers to save you from this?

Do you really trust one of those weird disposable lobster bib toilet seat covers to save you from this?

The greatest irony of the unisex restroom is that the very people who are supposed to benefit from its existence are the ones who suffer the most! Trans women have had to use the men’s room their whole pre-transition lives, feel uncomfortable, feel vulnerable, feel out of place, and now that society has finally acknowledged their true selves, they still can’t use the ladies’ room because there no longer is a ladies’ room. Sorry my trans sisters, you must continue to hover awkwardly over a toilet contaminated by the strange urine of some gross dude who pissed on everything, because reasons. This is progress??

Everyone should be allowed to use whichever toilet corresponds to their gender identity. Welcome to the ladies’ room, trans women. I couldn't care less what’s going on with your genitals, and I’ll never, ever ask. Not only is it emphatically Not My Business, but men’s propensity for throwing public piss parties is not a result of their anatomy. Having a penis doesn’t mean they lack control over where they deposit urine; it’s their massive sense of entitlement causing them not to care where they deposit urine. I’ve yet to meet any woman, pre-op trans or otherwise, who believes she has carte blanche to sling her waste around because someone else is going to be thrilled to clean it up. That’s chauvinist pig attitude of the highest caliber, and it’s definitely a Man Thing. You are welcome in the ladies’ room if you identify as a woman, no arguments. I trust you. And non-binary people who prefer the ladies’ room because it’s cleaner and bereft of creeps? I trust you too. Let’s apply our eyeliner side-by-side in front of the sink mirrors and comment on how great it is that our restroom is free of those creepy little urinal cakes. In fact, I insist that anyone who doesn’t identify as a man use the ladies’ room, because you’ll be safer there

More goes on in the ladies’ room besides tinkling. We apply our makeup in there, brush our hair, borrow tampons, share drugs, seek solace, correct wardrobe malfunctions, answer important calls/texts, and gossip about people we hate. It’s a haven, and frankly the closest thing to a safe space we’re likely to find in a lot of places.  Don’t take that away from us because you’re sick of TERFS and other assorted buffoons “protesting” trans women in the ladies’ room. Instead, stand up for Women and tell those assholes they’re welcome to use the men’s room if they’re so freaked out by the idea of a non-cis person in the adjacent stall (since most of them completely ignore the existence of trans men).
Most commercial buildings still have segregated restrooms. Let’s keep it that way. For the sanity and health of all Women, don’t make us share toilets with men. It may make your establishment seem woke, but it’s really just taking away our public refuge and exposing us to bodily fluids we’d rather not have any contact with.