The Most Grotesque Members of Congress

It’s the year before a presidential election and the air is already thick with prognosticating, philosophizing, grandstanding, and shrieking into the void. I’ll refrain from voicing my own opinions, but I think my Millennial cohorts will agree that the US government is a raging trash fire that doesn’t come close to representing us. Not to place too fine a point on it, but it seems to have become a geriatric Nazi death cult bent on ruining the entire planet. The midterms helped, but not that much. And before you accuse my critique of being ageist, please understand a few things:

1. Most people experience cognitive decline past age 60. It is rare to retain one’s full intellectual powers until death, and many elected officials have little intellect to begin with.
2. Most elderly people, regardless of cognitive status, struggle to understand emerging technology. Did you see Mark Zuckerberg attempting to explain the Internet to the Senate? What about when Sundar Pichai had to explain that Google doesn’t manufacture the iPhone? That should scare you.
3. Adults want to be governed by their peers, not their grandparents.

Having said all this, it’s not really about age. It’s about evil. The above complaint is only the tip of the turd. As Coco Chanel said, “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. At fifty, you get the face you deserve.” What does it say about a person when they have the face of a Sith lord? When their visage inspires revulsion and fear and makes children cry? That isn’t the result of an unfortunate bone structure or a mean spanking from Father Time. That’s the light of damnation shining from within.

Without further ado, here are the most grotesque members of Congress. They’re not in any particular order, but I saved the worst for last.

Rick Scott

Let’s jump right in with some nightmare fuel. In 2011 a vampire from an Eastern European folktale time warped over to Florida, bought a few expensive ties, and ran for governor. After feeding off the populace for eight years and wreaking unmitigated havoc at the state level (including poisoning the water supply), he then worked his way up to the Senate, where he now terrorizes the entire nation with his bloodthirsty stare and morally bankrupt incentives.

I vant to suck your blood…or maybe just drain the national treasury.

I vant to suck your blood…or maybe just drain the national treasury.

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because the vampire metaphor is barely a metaphor. This is a man who became filthy, stinking rich by committing fraud in the healthcare industry and lifting hundreds of millions of dollars from Medicare. He has gleefully slashed environmental programs after accepting large donations from the agribusiness lobby, turning formerly pristine waterways into gigantic pools of toxic sludge, and causing massive marine life die-offs, economic disaster, and scores of constituents to land in the hospital with respiratory infections. He also sired Bat Boy and refused to pay child support. Red-Tide Rick doesn’t even attempt to hide the fact that he is avarice incarnate. It’s written plainly on his face.

Good luck not imagining him lurking in your closet tonight.

Chuck Grassley

Iowa isn’t known for many things beyond its undeserved clout in presidential primaries and cornfields inhabited by ancient demons that use children to carry out their murderous intentions. Senator Grassley is a product of the latter. It’s always risky to show him on television, because half the time he opens his maw to speak, a small cloud of cursed mummy tomb dust blows out instead of words. He is a relic from the Dark Ages emanating bad vibes from every pore.

Dies irae, dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla!

Dies irae, dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla!

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because when you sacrifice that many souls to He Who Walks Behind The Rows* the pupils of your eyes are guaranteed to become as black and cold as the void itself. You probably remember Grassley best as one of the foamy-mouthed old men yelling at Christine Blasey Ford - a victim of sexual assault who wasn’t on trial - during the Brett Kavanaugh hearing. In addition to that, Chuck the Schmuck is known for interrupting female speech at every opportunity, opposing the inclusion of women in the Senate Judiciary Committee, spreading rumors about “death panels” and “pulling the plug on grandma” when the Affordable Care Act was proposed, and generally being a deadbeat who never does much of anything. He is one of the most compelling reasons to impose congressional term limits, an excellent example of why we need to topple the geriarchy/oligarchy/patriarchy, and a chilling reminder of the evil that stalks among us.

*I am aware that Children of the Corn takes place in Nebraska. Please don’t @ me.

Ted Cruz

This terrestrial blob fish from Texas is renowned for his unsettling mien. Before he had the good sense to grow some facial hair, it was impossible to gaze upon him for more than four seconds without feeling the creeping sense of cosmic horror common to H.P. Lovecraft stories. His molecules are that unstable. A still photo is nauseating enough, but you really need to see this melted soft serve cone of a man in action to fully appreciate his hideousness:

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because he’s actually a sentient pile of slaughterhouse offal wearing a man suit? Seriously, this guy is not human. If you squint really tightly at his sweat beads, you’ll notice that they’re composed of the same radioactive substance responsible for creating Swamp Thing. What’s Tedious Ted all about? Well, among other things: craven self-interest, excusing anti-choice terrorism, sucking up to the gun lobby, making immigrants cry, and earning the hatred of his own political allies. That last one is his biggest talent. Even the morally compromised colleagues who agree with him on policy can’t stand him. Lindsey Graham once claimed you could murder him on the Senate floor and face no repercussions. John McCain called him a “wacko bird.” John Boehner called him a “miserable son of a bitch.” Just how disgusting do you have to be for Republicans to turn on you solely because of your personality? The merciless taunting of Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential race wasn’t enough to prevent Cruz from offering his glowing endorsement in a matter of weeks. I don’t know what keeps him standing upright, but it isn’t a spine. Gut-churning and repugnant in a way no one can fully articulate, he truly qualifies as an Eldritch horror.

He’s also the Zodiac Killer, and likes Nickelback.

Steve King

I would love to tell you this isn’t a reanimated corpse dressed in ill-fitting department store Hugo Boss, but we all know it is. I would love to tell you he wasn’t one of the Nazis who got his face melted off at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but we all know he was. How his face grew back, however, remains a mystery. I suspect it has something to do with Abraham losing a drunken bet to Lucifer (because much like the two major American political parties, opposing teams in the Old Testament totally hang out at the same country clubs). We’ll probably never know for sure. At any rate, he’s here and he’s spectacularly awful.

Forgive me for making you look at my undead rictus; all my pointy hoods are at the dry cleaner.

Forgive me for making you look at my undead rictus; all my pointy hoods are at the dry cleaner.

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because racism is really, really bad for your skin. I don’t have enough time in my day to relay all the xenophobic shit this ghoul has said and done over the years, but the gist of it is that he believes multiculturalism causes white genocide, and his entire worldview stems from that belief. He has repeatedly referred to immigrants as drug mules and thugs, praised and retweeted noted white supremacists, expressed dismay that the term “white nationalist” has negative connotations, supported the Obama birther conspiracy, and openly consorted with The Freedom Party, a group of right-wing Austrians founded by literal Nazis. He’s another demonic force released from Iowa, and given his creepy obsession with “white babies,” I think it’s safe to assume he’s been tasked with safeguarding the next generation of inbred, crop-worshiping Klansmen. The US government has always been far too tolerant of racist agendas, but it boggles the mind that this honky gringo peckerwood moron is allowed to hold office in 2019. What in the actual fuck, America?

Lindsey Graham

He’s been described as the meanest, ugliest, angriest lesbian on your softball team, and, while accurate, is way too much of an insult to softball lesbians. Let’s not go there. Instead, let’s focus on his snarling, waxen features, because that is undoubtedly the aspect of a cannibal salivating over thoughts of your flesh roasting on a spit. Seriously. Get a load of this monster:

I ate his liver with some Hooter’s hot wings and a Bud Light.

I ate his liver with some Hooter’s hot wings and a Bud Light.

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because he’s single, among other reasons. Did you know that every other person on this list has actually been inside of another human being? I apologize for that mental image and will wait for you to finish vomiting before I continue.

Are you going to make it?
Did you brush your teeth?

Okay, as I was saying, these dudes are all married, except for Lindsey “Little Jerk” Graham. Rumor has it he’s a repressed homosexual, but I don’t buy that for a moment. I know gay men. They have standards. This grimacing hobgoblin is alone because no man, woman, or alien is willing to go anywhere near his maypole. And can you blame them? In addition to emitting an unholy glow and stinking of sulfur, Graham is the biggest backstabber on Capitol Hill. Every move he makes is unabashedly calculated and self-serving. He advised provoking North Korea and China simultaneously so they’d “take each other out,” because the needless massacre of millions really revs his engine. When asked when such bloodshed would end, he declared, “It never ends. It’s good versus evil. Good versus evil never ends.” He is a putrid fart straight from Satan’s butthole, and I fully believe he knows a thing or two about good vs evil. Guess which side he’s on.

[By the way, I was only kidding about him being a virgin. He’s banging his sister. Everyone knows that.]

Mitch McConnell

People say he resembles a turtle.
People are wrong.
Turtles are cute as fuck. Little amphibious dinosaurs with tiny Triceratops beaks and precious, clumsy feet that they close up in their armor when they’re scared. Have you ever seen a baby turtle? Even just thinking of one brings a tear to my eye. That’s how fucking cute they are. Now gaze upon this sagging sack of rancid man meat before you:

Image Credit: The Washington Post/Getty Images

Image Credit:The Washington Post/Getty Images

Did you scream? Shit yourself? Gouge your own eyes out? Hurl your phone/computer out of the nearest window? Hide underneath a blanket rocking back and forth and mumbling the lord’s prayer? These are all wholly understandable reactions to the horrors of Mitch McConnell’s physical form. It is not turtle-like. It is monstrous. When I’m scrolling through Twitter and stumble upon his image, I feel the exact same panicked shudder as when I catch a glimpse of Pazuzu’s face in The Exorcist. He’s worse than ugly; he’s utterly terrifying. When I showed the above picture to my 4-year-old nephew, he burst into tears and ran to the other room. This is it. The grand wizard of the foul congressional cabal. An evil so ancient and terrible its skin has become self-aware and is now trying to slither away.

Why Does He Look Like This?
Because he’s the Senate Majority Leader. King of the Republicans. Lord of Gerrymandering. America’s very own Emperor Palpatine. An old, white, wrinkled dick that’s been telling you what to do for thirty years (thanks, John Oliver). Here’s a short rundown of his most famous crimes against humanity:

  • Working to repeal Obamacare (which would strip over 20 million people of their health insurance)

  • Fighting tooth and nail to keep big money in politics, culminating in the Citizen’s United decision

  • Blocking a bill to eliminate the wage gap between men and women

  • Unwittingly creating the Tea Party and unleashing a tidal wave of extreme right-wing buffoonery and violence

But this is small potatoes compared to his crowning achievement: irreparably skewing the Supreme Court. Regardless of where you are on the political spectrum, we can (hopefully) agree that the judicial branch of our government should be impartial. Thanks to the efforts of Bitch McFuckell and his cronies, it has been steadily infiltrated by partisan loonies, which will ultimately erode the civil rights of millions of Americans for generations to come. This high-ranking minion of Sauron has been on a lifelong quest to cement class hierarchies and ensure that a very tiny minority of hateful old men can rule over us with impunity for time eternal. The most frightening thing of all? No one has been able to stop him. The train to hell just keeps on chugging. He’s so close to his goal you can already hearing the screeching of the Nazgûl coming to snatch our souls away.

It is up to us to resist.